You must know: I am the most interesting person alive on this earth, and quite possibly the most interesting human being on any earth in the multiverse. Why would I make such an audacious claim with such confidence?
Let’s talk about chewing gum. It comes in different flavors, sizes, and textures. It is good to pop in a piece before a first date or interview, or to take a few bubblegum strings while your in a baseball dugout. What’s really cool about chewing gum is you can manipulate it to blow bubbles with your mouth. Yes, there are the people who look to show off with their large bubbles that pop directly in their face without any residue, or the annoying smacker during a test. Well, I am neither of those people, and I think that makes me pretty rad because you can’t hate me either way because I am not a frequent gum chewer. #HatersBackOff
Sure, I can’t be relied upon in dire situations to have a pack of Trident in bag, but it prevents a whole lot of sticky messes later. Sure Bubblegum Alley in downtown San Luis Obsipo attracts hundreds if not thousands of people but let’s face it, that’s a pretty gross space. Instructions on how to blow a bubble with gum have never been helpful and I’ve always attributed it to my weak tongue muscles (I cannot fold my tongue, too).
However, I’ve recently learned that genetics or muscle strength isn’t the sole factor in determining tongue rollers and non-tongue rollers. According to a scientist named John H. McDonald, it’s ‘nature vs. nurture’ in action—many people can break genetic bounds and teach themselves the sacred art of tongue rolling.”
There’s one more thing you should probably know about me. I can’t wink. Don’t ask me to, and don’t try to teach me. I just can’t do it without looking like the creepy woman in a bar trying to casually flirt with a man but instead looks like they have something stuck in their eye. I wear glasses most days and I don’t feel the need to ever wink. I get jealous and fed-up by people who do it so casually and make it charming and quirky. Please stop! Why is winking even a thing outside of bad acting? (Again, this is a crown for interesting person, not a saint).
But let me present to you Miss Flawless, the one and only Rihanna. An interesting (but rather non-newsworthy) online article by TIME highlights Twitter user @NotAgainBen’s rant about Rihanna’s apparent “blink-wink.” The GIFS on his account highlight moments where the singer closes both eyes and opens one immediately afterwards. Look, if Rihanna can’t wink, I think that means I am just as interesting and should make GIFS of my own “blink-wink” for people’s entertainment.
There you go folks. These are the reasons why I am the most interesting person in the world because I land in the minority of people who can’t roll their tongue or blow a bubble.
This is my story.
Now, help me figure out how to get my own commercial with a catchy slogan. #SuperbowlLICommercial